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Extract from Irish Times Health Supplement - May 25th 2010 

PARENTING: Parenting courses are more popular than ever as parents learn the tried and tested ways to do the most important job of their lives

BEING BRITISH prime minister was only the second most important job in his life, acknowledged Gordon Brown as he departed No 10 Downing Street. He looked forward to spending more time on the most important one – being father to two little boys.

It was an unexpected, high-profile endorsement of parental priorities. But while parenting may be a job that ranks above all others in terms of its influence and prevalence, it is not one for which people are trained. Most parents just get on with it, for better or for worse.

Certainly, it used to be considered an admission of failure if somebody went on a parenting course. Not any more. There have never been more courses available and providers are reporting an upsurge of interest.

On the positive side, this suggests a growing realisation that there is a need to learn more about the most important job we will ever do. On the negative side, it may also be a symptom of how isolated and unsure of themselves many parents feel, living away from extended family in a fragmented society.

If “follow your intuition” is one of the soundest pieces of parenting advice, it is questionable how much can be taught. But parenting courses empower parents by allowing them to share their concerns and to explore tried and tested ways to do what they think best.

“The vast majority of things about parenting we all know,” says the manager of Parentline, Rita O’Reilly. The value of a parenting course “is reinforcing and reminding and reassuring you that other people have the same problems”.

As a confidential listening service, Parentline was receiving so many queries about parenting courses that, instead of referring callers elsewhere, it decided earlier this year to start running them at its centre in Carmichael House, near Smithfield in Dublin.

“We hear what parents are saying,” says O’Reilly. “We know what the issues are and feel we can respond. When they are finished the course, but then have another question, we are there on the line all the time.”

We all bring into our parenting the way we were parented, says Sue Jameson of Cuidiú, the Irish Childbirth Trust. “Sometimes the only way you can step back and take a look at that is by joining a group and listening to other people’s experiences.”

Cuidiú, which is more associated with breastfeeding support and ante-natal classes, began organising parenting courses in response to demand from local branches. These are aimed at helping people enjoy the different stages of their children’s lives and “finding fulfilment in what can be a very arduous and thankless task”.

It is an “act of maturity” to attend a number of parenting courses during children’s lives, according to clinical psychologist Dr Tony Humphreys. His parenting programme, which is taught by various people around the country, operates on the premise that “all parenting begins with the parent”.

Sheila O’Malley, who trained with Humphreys and uses his material for evening courses and one-day sessions in south Dublin, says its focus on the parent makes it different from other parenting courses. It can be applied to children of all ages and, indeed, to all relationships. By people looking at themselves and how they interact with others, “it effects real change rather than temporary change”.

O’Malley reports that couples who come on courses together all say that is the best way to do it. “It is probably the only time in your lives that you have an opportunity to come together on your parenting and have a chance to chat it through,” she comments.

The children’s charity, Barnardos, has seen a steady increase in people seeking parenting courses over the last couple of years. While the ones it runs in its own centres are for the parents of children it works with, it also provides courses for any group in the community, be they a school parents’ association, a circle of friends or employees in a workplace. This is something other providers will do too, so, if there is no suitable course nearby, it is worth considering getting a group together and bringing in a trainer.

The website, barnardos.ie, has a very helpful database of parenting courses which can be searched by county. (Your local HSE office should also have information on courses.) For those who have neither the time nor the money to do a course but would like some advice, the Barnardos “Parenting Positively” booklets can be downloaded for free, or ordered for just the cost of post and packing.

When Maeve Carroll, a mother of a three-year-old girl and 19-month-old boy in Knocklyon, Dublin, went looking for a parenting course last autumn, she signed up with one run by Help Me To Parent. At the time she was losing patience with her children, particularly her daughter who was very jealous of the baby and inclined to hit him.

“I wanted to calm down the situation,” she explains. She found the one-day course for parents of children aged one to six “extremely helpful and I came away equipped with a bit of ammunition to face them”. She was also reassured that her daughter’s hostile reaction to her baby brother was completely normal and would stop.

“When it is your first, you haven’t a clue!” she says, adding that she will definitely go for another course as the children get older.

Not surprisingly, the biggest demand is for courses on parenting teenagers – often triggered by some crisis. Frequently, when parents find how helpful the process is, their one regret is that they did not do a parenting course years ago.

WHO'S TRAINING THE TEENAGERS? 

It is one thing “training” the parents of teenagers but what about the teenagers themselves? Some parents who attended one-day courses run by Help Me To Parent suggested it might be a good idea if their offspring could also have the chance to look at issues.

A new self-esteem workshop for the 13-18 age group, starting this Saturday (May 29th), is the result. There is evidence that young people are looking for courses in self-esteem and dealing with issues such as exam stress, says psychologist Niamh Hannan, who has designed and is facilitating the course. The idea is to boost their sense of self; to help them to accept themselves and be happy in themselves.

She will focus on understanding your mind. “A lot of people feel the victim of their own thoughts or their own feelings – particularly during the teenage years, because they are also victims of hormones,” she says. “I will be teaching the teenagers how their mind works and how to take control and manage their own thoughts and feelings.”

Teenagers, she agrees, need to want to do the workshop, as it would not be much fun working with ones who were dragged there by parents.

“They don’t have to talk about things they don’t want to talk about,” she stresses. “It is not therapy.” And Hannan will not be reporting back to parents, so the teenagers can be assured of confidentiality.

Article written by Sheila Wayman

Extract from Irish Independent - May 18th 2010 

Even Daddy Cool needs help with his tearaway teen...

Dear Mick

Suddenly, all those lip-pursing, hip-swaggering, groupie-loving years may be coming back to haunt you. Sure, you may be fabulously rich and famous, but turns out you've got exactly the same headache as z-list dads planetwide -- a tearaway teen daughter.

Fusing your ex Jerry Hall's gorgeous genes with your rebellious streak was bound to end in tears. After all, Papa was a Rolling Stone -- and now your 18-year-old daughter Georgia seems hellbent on repeating your party animal past. When the media got a sniff of pictures that appeared to show your little angel doing some sniffing of her own at her 18th birthday bash in January, you came down hard -- grounding student Georgia in the run up to her A-level exams this summer.

Forking out almost €12,000 a year for her fancy Surrey school, the least you can expect is for her to knuckle down for the finals -- right? At first, laying down the law appeared to work.

Why, just last month, socialite Georgia made you proud by cancelling a planned appearance at a party in Chelsea to stay at home studying. But while she may have appeared on the cover of Vogue and fronted campaigns for Rimmel and Versace, Georgia sure ain't a model student.

Last week, the rule-breaking brat once again defied you by sneaking off to St Tropez to model barely-there outfits for Chanel. But you're not alone, Mick. Right about now, thousands of your fans throughout Ireland are tearing their hair out trying to get their own troublesome teens to hit the books for the Leaving Certificate exams next month.

Being a parent in the public eye, your challenges are bigger. Every misstep you've taken has been documented by the press.

But don't think that your wild child history gives you any less authority when it comes to parenting. Just because you went off the rails in your heyday, doesn't mean that you should tolerate Georgia doing the same.

So remember who's the Daddy, although Georgia may accuse you of being a hypocrite so you might have to be a bit sneaky.

Try saying: 'I wish I had been as mature as you are and realised I was doing the wrong thing'. Let her know you have the confidence in her to make the right choice -- that way, she'll know you're not just nagging.

Children of celebrities may be harder to control because of the level of luxury at their fingertips. Ordinarily, pocket money is a very powerful tool in disciplining teenagers (incidentally, those less well-heeled than yourself can try deducting a set amount from their child's pocket money every time they flout a house rule).

Having earned around €700,000 from a megabucks deal with jeans manufacturer Hudson though, self-sufficient Georgia isn't relying on her minted old man for pocket money. And with a lucrative career already, she's probably not too bothered about acing her A-levels.

But all's not lost, Daddy Cool. There's still a way to motivate even the most independent teenager to study. Sit down with your daughter and talk about how she sees her future panning out.

The stick approach clearly hasn't worked with Georgia, so try using the carrot instead. Give her some incentive to study -- agree that for every point she gains in her exams she gets a reward, such as a designer handbag.

On a more affordable level, the same advice goes to regular parents whose teens aren't inclined to study. Consider what they're likely to achieve and what you can afford, then agree to give them a set amount for every point they get.

As a single dad, Mick, it's also important to sing from the same hymn sheet as your ex when it comes to discipline. It's important for separated parents to jointly agree on the parameters for the child and stick to them.

Now you may not want to hear this, Mick, but it's no good instilling all these lessons into an 18-year-old. Children need to be taught from an early age that you expect respect from them.

Think of it like this, Mick: parenting is like piloting an airplane. In the beginning, your child is in the passenger seat and as they get older they begin to co-pilot with you. Your aim is to get them to a stage where they have enough skill to fly the plane themselves.

The teenage years can be very difficult as your child tries to navigate their way from childhood to adulthood. Throw in hormones and physical changes and it can be an explosive time.

There's no point in going in with a nuclear weapon and screaming 'You're grounded for a year!' -- both you and they know it won't happen. If you're unsure what to do, Mick, my advice is to press 'pause' until you calm down.

At 18, Georgia is an adult. But as her dad, the good news is that it's never too late to put your foot down. It doesn't matter whether they're 18 or 80, you're still their parent. Disrespect is not acceptable at any time.

Good luck!

Signed Martina Newe

Co-founder of HelpmetoParent.ie

PS: If you still need a little help, Mick, why not pop along to our 'Parenting Teenagers' seminar on this Saturday, at the Clarion Hotel, Liffey Valley. Call 087 6890582 and we'll book your place!

- Interview by Deirdre Reynolds

Irish Independent